The Pattern Behind The Argument: A Conversation On IFS Therapy NYC And Couples Counseling With Michal Goldman, LCSW

It usually doesn’t start with a big fight. It starts with something small that somehow turns into the same argument you’ve had ten times before.

One person reaches. The other pulls back. And suddenly you’re both in it again, wondering how you got here.

In my work, I often see how helpful it can be to understand these moments through an Internal Family Systems lens. To explore this from a couples perspective, I spoke with Michal Goldman, a trauma-informed relational therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy and discernment counseling, about what she sees in the room and what actually helps couples shift these patterns.

A Note About The Story
The couple described below is a composite. They are not real clients, but the dynamic is one that shows up often in couples counseling.

A Familiar Pattern In Couples

I asked Michal about a dynamic many couples recognize right away.

Let’s say we have a couple like Sara and David. Sara tends to move toward David when she feels distance. David tends to pull away when things feel intense.

Michal explained, “This is a very common cycle. The partner who reaches is often feeling alone or afraid of disconnection. The partner who pulls back is often feeling overwhelmed or pressured. Both people are reacting to something real, but in ways that don’t align.”

She emphasized that the issue is not one person or the other.

“The pattern becomes the problem. When couples can begin to see the cycle instead of blaming each other, there is more room for change.”

Where IFS Therapy NYC Comes In

From an IFS Therapy NYC perspective, I often think about these moments in terms of parts.

The reaching can come from a part that is trying to prevent disconnection. The pulling away can come from a part that is trying to prevent overwhelm.

I asked Michal how this kind of internal awareness fits into couples counseling, given that her work is grounded in relational therapy and EFT.

“It fits naturally,” she said. “In couples work, we are already helping people slow down and notice what is happening inside them. When someone can name that they are feeling flooded or starting to shut down, it creates space.”

She added, “That space is what allows people to respond differently, even in small ways.”

Staying In The Moment Instead Of Escaping It

I asked what progress tends to look like for couples in this kind of work.

Michal said, “Progress often looks like staying present a little longer. One partner notices the urge to shut down and instead communicates that they need a moment but are still engaged. The other partner notices the urge to push and is able to soften instead.”

From an IFS Therapy NYC lens, those are the moments where there is more separation between a person and the part that wants to react automatically.

“They are beginning to observe their reactions instead of immediately acting on them,” she said.

Why Insight Alone Is Not Enough

We talked about how many couples understand their pattern but still feel stuck in it.

“Insight is important, but it does not automatically lead to change,” Michal said. “When people feel overwhelmed, their nervous system tends to default to familiar responses.”

She explained how couples counseling helps in real time.

“In session, we are helping partners stay connected while those reactions are happening. Over time, that builds a different experience of being with each other.”

When that is combined with the kind of internal awareness emphasized in IFS Therapy NYC, it can support more lasting change.

What Couples Often Get Wrong

I asked what couples most often misunderstand when they come in.

“Many people believe the issue is communication skills,” she said. “Those can be helpful, but they are difficult to use when someone feels anxious, hurt, or overwhelmed.”

She continued, “When people start to understand their own reactions and the emotions underneath them, communication often becomes more natural. There is less urgency and less defensiveness.”

A Different Way Back To Each Other

As we wrapped up, I asked what she hopes couples take away from this work.

“That their reactions make sense,” she said. “And that the patterns they are in are understandable, even if they are painful. When couples can see that, they can begin to approach each other with more compassion.”

IFS Therapy NYC offers a way to understand your internal world and build self-trust. Couples counseling offers a space to practice showing up differently with another person.

Together, they can help you move from reacting automatically to responding with more awareness, more steadiness, and more connection.

If you recognize yourself in this kind of pattern, you are not alone. And you do not have to keep having the same conversation over and over again.

If you are curious about how IFS Therapy NYC and couples counseling could support you, you are welcome to reach out for a consultation.

Author Bio

Hilary Kopple, LCSW, is an IFS Therapist in NYC

Hilary Kopple, LCSW, is an IFS therapist in New York City specializing in Anxiety and Trauma Therapy for adults who often appear successful and capable on the outside while internally struggling with overthinking, pressure, emotional overwhelm, relationship patterns, or a persistent sense that something feels off.

Her approach integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Somatic Therapy into a thoughtful, grounded, evidence-based approach that helps clients understand patterns, regulate the nervous system, and build greater self-trust and clarity.

To learn more or get started, visit her Home page.

Read more about her background on her About page.